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Year End Blah 2011. Pt.3

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 December 19 2011 at 05:29:42 PM



Got my love gun loaded / loaded with huggin' and kissin' / and when I take dead aim there ain't gonna be no missin'.

Morbid visions of relentless bespectacled boners feverishly poking at Metal's worn out beav. Dutiful working girl that she is...she's gentle with 'em. Knows it's their first time so she coos half-convincing encouragement between long drags on off-brand 100's. Doesn't rush em but damn sure doesn't take her slip off. Knows they won't be back...destined for careers, first homes, and women who aren't more man than they are.

As if the day job isn't enough of a slog I gotta keep dissecting why it's so hard to let this shit slide? Seriously, why care?

Because it's bigger than this little abject dungheap we lord over. Of course I'll cop to "everything sucks once it gets popular." Of course we all want shit we like to be left alone, pristine and untainted. You bet your ass. Fuck off for sure. But that ain't the half of it.

I wasn't CC'ed on the memo equating human evolution to improvement. Everything is compacting/abbreviating/culminating/imploding/self-cannibalizing/abnegating and apparently there's two choices: drown or drink the water? Ho ho. This wicked jug-fuck hasn't bested the worst of us just yet.

Thought we'd been over this. Remember Xasthur? NPR/NYTimes/New Yorker/PopMatters/Treblezine/SPIN/etc and of course the dusty teet from which you all clearly suckle: Pitchfork. It's not just that y'all should stay in your own lane...there's something more serious at stake. Hear me twats: in your sad bid for "relevancy" you degrade your own project. Leave the Heavy Metal to the connoisseurs and die hards and we'll leave the 7500 word, in-depth, profile of the septuagenarian kraut choreographer to you...k? Internet is built for casual encounters and you can't compete with free. Focus on what you alone can offer in this era of everythingeverywhereallthetime, otherwise in the words of The Wire creator David Simon, you evince "contempt for your own product." We'll do our part with more Chips & lots more Beer. More beer. Doesn't the name Vince Lombardi mean anything anymore?

As promised...


Negative Plane - Stained Glass Revelations LP. Possibly the weirdest black metal record I've ever heard......jk dorks, it's just record of the year.

Pentagram - Sub-Basement LP. Expensive Euro reissue and atrocious artistic "re-imagining" of record sleeve is powerless against unadulterated ass-whompery and sheer "vibe" of later era classic Pentagram LP. No one swings a bigger dick than Liebling. Certainly not these days.

Villains - Road to Ruin LP. Brooklyn's classiest return once again to pummel without pedantry. This one's more pissed and less horny than the last one.

Midnight - Satanic Royalty LP. More horny and less pissed than the last one. Seriously dog, write a better song than "you can't stop steel." Try it.

Cruciamentum - Convocation of Crawling Chaos 10". Quite simply "how it's done". 3 song demo tape that made most people paying attention promptly bathroom in their pants, and more importantly made dude from Dead Congregation squander his money to re-release this little firecracker on the least cost-effective of vinyl formats. This one goes especially well with Budweiser and blow. Ask anyone. Treat yourself right this holiday season.

[Hutch Bannister]

Comments (5)

  • 1 comment
    hello emotions
    10:28 AM on Dec 20, 2011 // reply »
    Can you guy say something about how every band is on profound lore in 2011, and why?

    This is the label that was founded on a split LP between Xasthur/Leviathan. The getsomewheres who should have been getnowheres.

    The american dream?
  • 5 comments
    HutchyB
    11:15 AM on Dec 20, 2011 // reply »
    I think Stew will be addressing your grievance shortly.

    in the meantime I forgot: High Spirits "another night"
  • 1 comment
    Lars Gotrich
    1:17 PM on Dec 27, 2011 // reply »
    Sorry to piddle in your metal playground. I'll just go over by the swings. By the way, loved Chips & Beer #1. Lars, the guy at NPR.
  • 378 comments
    stewvee
    1:10 PM on Dec 27, 2011 // reply »
    I, too, like porno names. What's an NPR?
  • 5 comments
    Hutch Bannister
    10:53 AM on Feb 02, 2012 // reply »
    it's like NSFW
 

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