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Velvet Cacoon - P aa Opal Poere Pr. 33

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 August 26 2009 at 04:25:31 AM



Let’s dance. Velvet Cacoon has nothing going for it. Haircuts call ‘em “Black Metal.” Public photos allegedly showcasing Velvet Cacoon band members show them to be more haircut than Black Metal. Some of them appear straight outta Human League. Maybe less eye shadow. Less lipstick. They’ve allegedly been hooked on cough syrup. They’ve been called out for feigning addiction. They’ve been called out for feigning a band, a Black Metal band, comprised of members that look like New Wave tarts, the sort to ride fancy eye-talian tour bikes in heels, to smoke Nat Sherman’s, to understand the phrase, “discourse networks.” I’ve dated women like this. I even married one. She hates Velvet Cacoon. But she does so because, “they sound like a parody of all that shit you listen to. But not Rush. I’ll always love Rush.”

Sure, Velvet Cacoon does little talking so people must talk for them. They are your friend who has no cell phone and has his friends call your phone to get in touch with ‘im. He takes the bus. Collects leaves. Reads Erasmus. Different strokes, bro. Some times ain’t kind to certain kinds. Same for the ‘coon. They aren’t thrilled to admit the dieselharp is/was the fabric of fable. They aren’t stoked to tell you none of those girls in the photos that’ve surfaced have anything to do with the music of Dextronaut, of Genevieve, of the other soupy shit you’ve downloaded off someone’s fucking blogspot. Velvet Cacoon is thrilled it’s upset folks. Velvet Cacoon is stoked messageboard drones have called ‘em “frauds” or “poseurs,” or a “joke band.” Maybe even all three… Yippee.

Unlike the underwhelmin’ vat o’ scat available that apes this Johnny-Two-Notes shtick with emphysemic vox and Cocteau Twin’d drums, Velvet Cacoon has never come off as counterfeit. Never, motherfucker. An indefinable band participating in an undefined genre consisting of who-knows-how-many members, which may or may not be eco-fascist, or a joke, or a fraud, or poseurs, or even Black Metal, is certainly not the quickest avenue to the target audience’s fucking PayPal account. Contact Fauna, or Wolves in The Throne Room for the up ‘n’ up on that bit – not without coincidence two bands that share environs with Velvet Cacoon. Ah, suddenly dissent, middle-fuckin’-finger opposition is more discussed than cover art or inserts or cryptic one-sheets of words that could or could not have anything to do with the music therein. How’s that for reshuffling the deck? And here the wee apes can do nothing so much but gawk at all the purty cover-art colors these days.

Music on P aa Opal Poere Pr. 33 is a more reductive version of a band already far too adept at reductive takes on fringe genres and sub-genres of fringe genres. Velvet Cacoon persists with the nautical imagery. Velvet Cacoon appropriates a brand of “Poverty Sucks” type poesy, the stiltedly serious schlock scribbled out in purple ink by Vassar girls with Brian Ferry fixations and a collection of ball gags. The dieselharp sits in the corner on empty. Cocteau Twin’d drums are lubricated and in flux with the creaks and shrieks that double as music. Drama is well deep, boarded up and abandoned. It may not get you into the pages of Vice or invited to one of those overblown Brit fests larded with has-beens and flav-of-the-months, but it’ll make you feel like Bobby Peru on Laudanum at a Bowie show. So put on them red shoes and dance the blues, cocksucker.

[Stewart Voegtlin]

Velvet Cacoon
P aa Opal Poere Pr. 33
Starlight Temple Society
2009
www.velvetcacoon.com

Comments (22)

  • 67 comments
    chauncey chomperz
    8:55 AM on Aug 26, 2009 // reply »
    "the stiltedly serious schlock scribbled out in purple ink by Vassar girls with Brian Ferry fixations and a collection of ball gags."

    so what'd you get on your SAT's ?
  • 374 comments
    VOEGTLIN
    9:01 AM on Aug 26, 2009 // reply »
    They are scored differently now, no?
  • 67 comments
    chauncey chomperz
    9:55 AM on Aug 26, 2009 // reply »
    shit. I don't know, maybe you're right. it's certainly been a while.
  • 374 comments
    VOEGTLIN
    10:11 AM on Aug 26, 2009 // reply »
    SAT was two secs when I took it: verbal and math. Now it's like three or more, I think.

    Obviously the sentence you chose to isolate demonstrates my grasp of verbal - and maybe math, too.

    VC did well on their SATs, too.
  • 108 comments
    jniff
    10:51 AM on Aug 26, 2009 // reply »
    Stew: you must have paid attention during your English lit classes, too. Some nice alliteration at the beginning of said sentence.

    And ball gags...

    Thx for the laughs. Was waiting for another oyster bar anecdote, though.
  • 374 comments
    VOEGTLIN
    10:56 AM on Aug 26, 2009 // reply »
    Nothing queer 'bout the 'coon. I'll save the oyster bar anecdote for the "SFBM."

    Alliteration is via Juvenal. Really nothing to do w/ dah Engrish.
  • 67 comments
    chauncey chomperz
    12:54 PM on Aug 26, 2009 // reply »
    yeah it was just math and verbal when I took em.

    man, their website is something else. I'm sure they aced verbal and screwed the pooch on math... like me.

  • 67 comments
    chauncey chomperz
    12:56 PM on Aug 26, 2009 // reply »
    oh and I agree, good job with the Obituary and Judas Priest reviews. real corker of a read.
  • 6 comments
    mokura
    7:20 PM on Aug 27, 2009 // reply »
    I'd like to add that the packaging for this release is definitely worth the coin and has gained my respect for Starlight Temple Society. I had no expectations with the label and came away pleasantly surprised with both product and prompt, reliable service.
  • 11 comments
    Dustin
    10:11 PM on Aug 29, 2009 // reply »
    i'm afraid i have to disagree with the merits of this record. the whole "controversy" around this band notwithstanding, this thing sounds like a pile of sludge (in a bad way). i had to review the intros of each track studiously to make sure that this wasn't just the same song seven times. little to no variation. these guys sound real bummed out that they have to make art in the "real" world, as opposed to living in some sort of collective fantasy as they did until a couple years ago. they said in those famous zine interviews that they made Northsuite in three hours, which if true is the mark of some sort of genius, since that was actually a listenable album. this just sounds like it was made in three hours.
  • 374 comments
    VOEGTLIN
    5:42 AM on Aug 31, 2009 // reply »
    Is that so different from what I'm saying? I often feel my life would be complete with the addition of that Aflac duck.
  • 2 comments
    Andy O.
    8:19 AM on Sep 01, 2009 // reply »
    That's a cold shot babe
  • 374 comments
    VOEGTLIN
    8:40 AM on Sep 01, 2009 // reply »
    Babe?

    Only Brandon "Black Metal Sublet" Stosuy and members of Bro-Metal ensemble Saviours refer to me as such and yr neither.
  • 11 comments
    Dustin
    2:46 PM on Sep 03, 2009 // reply »
    I think we're both trying to see past the stories and the hype, but you're taking their "very rich game using life as a medium to explore themes of luxury and nostalgia" at face value, and concede at the end that you think this record is reccomendable, unless I misunderstood that last sentence. My opinion is that these guys flourished when they were able to con and everyone was being a subservient little mark (it must be fun, for example, to simulate the sound of a dieselharp), but now that most know that these magicians don't actually saw the beautiful girl in half, their react with enmity towards their audience. It's as if your friend makes out with your girlfriend while you're not around, and when you confront him about it, he says it's because you've been a real jerk lately. Like I said, it doesn't sound to me that these guys are thrilled with having turned the cult of Black Metal on it's head, it sounds more like they (or he, or whomever) are being forced to dance long after they've realized that their invisible clothes are not clothes at all, and are now noncommitally bobbing about ashamed, junk all shriveled.
  • 374 comments
    VOEGTLIN
    4:02 PM on Sep 03, 2009 // reply »
    The only things I take at face value are whatever Annie Lennox is involved in. And while I'd rather sit on a fire hydrant than parse intention in something I've written, I'll say, yes, you misunderstood that sentence.

    I disgree, too, with the "Emperor's New Clothes" bit: The game is still ongoing; you yourself had to listen and relisten to the latest stuff to make sure it wasn't the same song repeated. As long as there is an Internet, we shall have Velvet Cacoon. What a wonderful world this would would be... La cha cha cha cha cha cha....
  • 1 comment
    bob
    5:43 PM on Sep 26, 2009 // reply »
    haha, the irony of you liking this hipster trash.
  • 374 comments
    VOEGTLIN
    7:27 AM on Sep 28, 2009 // reply »
    Bill, to paraphrase Injun Joe to Gen. Custer: "The joke's on you, asshole."
  • 7 comments
    Yafo
    7:12 AM on Oct 01, 2009 // reply »
    Hey didn't Sandy Pearlman attain the copyrights for "And the jokes on you" during the Oyster boys -Secret Treaties conceptualizing?
  • 7 comments
    HSJ
    12:51 AM on Oct 06, 2009 // reply »
    Avoided all the extraneous bullshit surrounding these guys. Music-wise, both new releases are weak...simply put.

    I'll alway dig Genevieve...almost sounds like a band that "accidentally" made a good record...but shit like that don't happen twice.
  • 374 comments
    VOEGTLIN
    5:11 AM on Oct 06, 2009 // reply »
    A glowing fan I am of the "simply put."
  • 374 comments
    VOEGTLIN
    5:12 AM on Oct 06, 2009 // reply »
    BTW, "I'll alway dig Genevieve," too.
  • 1 comment
    Josh
    4:19 PM on Jul 17, 2010 // reply »
    Thanks for displaying your words on my music. 33 took us a great while to complete, and it is such a multi-dimensional and otherwordly album as a result of that. Hopefully Clair Cassis, my new band, will please you a bit more. Cheers.
 

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