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Spooky Fingers: Your Mother Sucks Cocks In Hell

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 October 15 2009 at 05:12:55 PM



Sitting through Secrets of the Moon’s Privilegivm is what I imagine sitting through a Michael Bay/Jerry Bruckheimer remake of The Exorcist would be like, replete with Megan Fox as the Your-Mother-Sucks-Cocks-In-Hell scourge and a eunuch Letterman as Father Karras. Slick, faux-Satanism, even slicker production, and art direction straight out of The Cell, this is for the few slobs who’ve always hadda thing for French Black Metal chicks prone to pig’s blood showers before hitting the stage. The leathered up frog can’t detract from this scab of a record, which serves to embarrass the band more than Wormwood does for Marduk. But standout egregious track, “I Maldoror,” is to be marveled at for its pole-dancing potential for former Suicide Girls who are now spending small hours studying to become paralegals. 

Spain’s Decapitated Christ likely have never seen a Michael Bay/Jerry Bruckheimer production and evidently are better for it. Their first full-length, Antikristian Extreme Decapitation, has much worse artwork than Privilegivm, but pilfers its sound from American Death Metal, which in theory makes for easy listening. There’s even a Morbid Angel cover: “Day of Suffering,” the only listenable track. 

Sadistic Grimness’ Asteni has worse artwork than Privilegivm and Antikristian Extreme Decapitation and possesses a recording quality that rests in some semblance of balance between the two. I am beginning to not like the Swedes so much, yes. And Asteni doesn’t smooth our strained relations. The music too often oscillates between peculiar takes (read: unpleasant) on Black and Death Metal and mostly reminds me of something that would be playing in a moldy dorm during a marathon Halo session. Gurgling bongs, energy drink swill, frozen pizza flatulence and chest-bumpin’ brooooooo abounds. Dude. Seriously. 

Sherman’s last burning… Atlanta’s Sons of Tonatiuh take two songs to show all Eyehategod imitators screamo/bumcore ain’t the sole property of trust-fund, spare-a-dime crusties. Never seen this trio, but the 7” sounds like cherubic butt-trumpets coming thru the hi-fi on something like the tenth fucking straight day of rain. Two tracks, “Chain Up the Masses” and “Oracle” differ slightly, which is apparently what SoT is gunning for as the band segues into a trucker-speed somnambulist-boogie version of early Sleep. Shrieked out black outs, punch drunk, Jello-legged. Mighty blow, mighty blow. Left. Left. Sonny Barger’d be proud. Contact: sonsoftonaitiuh@hotmail.com

“Burial Ground are becoming a well-known and respected act in the underground metal scene.” The one-sheet Kool-Aid also says the band is honored to have played alongside Dimmu Borgir, Vital Remains, blah blah blah. I try to not read these things, but I suppose if I’m lookin’ for a “head-bangin’, fist-pumpin’” experience, I need to check out these respected “Old School Death Metallers.” One of the tunes on Tower of Silence, “Fantasy of Rape,” actually recounts the band’s “secret” desires to be sodomized by the Green Bay Packers’ defensive line. When swastikas, inverted crosses, and buckets of blood fail to shock, you got to up the ante, babe.  How low can they go? 

Regimental Records’ Psykotisk/Vredgad split is a daath-match between two shut-in Swede one-man bands. Psykotisk is what I figured Graveland would sound like before I ever heard their (mostly) shitty records, which makes the daath reference a lot funnier. Well, to me anyway… I would probably like this more if I was 15 and only had dial-up. People always talk about how they go hiking and listen to Black Metal like this. I go hiking so I don’t have to hear Black Metal like this, and a gray squirrel’s bark is far more disturbing than anything this drip could “conjure” up. Vredgad is a lot “heavier” than Psyotisk. He has a song called, “Mord,” which I assume is shut-in Swede for “Death” (read: Not “Daath”). There’s also one of those ruminative classical guitar jigs called, “Skymning I Skogen,” which I assume is shut-in Swede for, “Maybe the Bone Awl guys will like us…” Super cool post-nuclear tar-tree forest layout by Hi-Rez. 

When I was in the Netherlands a few months ago I managed to credit card my way into the lair of Ludas and HerrAIDS, the core duo that comprise the imaginatively named Funeral Goat. Neither of those two twinks was home but I poked through their medicine cabinet (not a fan of Fleets) and had a few drinks (always loathed Heineken). But what I didn’t find was more revealing than what I did, and if I hadn’t have smoked that hash ball the size of a cow’s placenta I might recall what I missed. As it stands the shit-covered vibrator, well oiled Luger, and collection of Joan Crawford movies on DVD served a quicker character study. They’ve also released a record, the imaginatively named Mass ov Perversion, which honestly features songs entitled, “Kiss the Goat,” “666,” and “Praise the Beast.” If that’s not Black Magik enough for you Wal-Mart Warlocks out there, the CD booklet unfolds into an inverted crucifix. Onward, Devil’s Soldiers! 

Insult’s Abysmal Incantations is a package deal featuring the Swedes’ two demos, Decree and Axiom, from 2005 and 2008 respectively. It’s impossible to tell which material is which from the CD booklet, so I’m going with the idea that the best stuff is also the most current. I hope that’s the case. The first six tracks are swarthy, worthy fuckers demonstrating the usual tropes you’ve witnessed in best case scenario: Long, beer-soaked drives, avoiding the life that struggles little to ensnare you, reality just another burnt finger from a millimeter sized roach away. A keeper!

[Stewart Voegtlin]


Comments (6)

  • 8 comments
    PFL
    8:32 AM on Oct 16, 2009 // reply »
    I wouldn't mind if Megan Fox sucked my cock in hell...
  • 374 comments
    VOEGTLIN
    8:40 AM on Oct 16, 2009 // reply »
    I'd get her on a three chili-dog a day diet before considering any of that.

    Stick figures with fake lips are as erotic as Salo: 120 Days of Sodom.
  • 8 comments
    PFL
    9:48 AM on Oct 16, 2009 // reply »
    Or better yet, Faye Dunaway (Bonnie And Clyde era)...
  • 1 comment
    Alas
    1:35 PM on Oct 16, 2009 // reply »
    Sonia Braga has em both licked. In yo dreamz.
  • 1 comment
    George
    9:01 AM on Oct 18, 2009 // reply »
    Stick your cock up her ass, you motherfucking worthless cocksucker.
  • 1 comment
    Salad Fork
    5:16 PM on Oct 19, 2009 // reply »
    Megan Fox is a gorgon.
 

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