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Spooky Fingers: Gardens of Stone

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 August 20 2009 at 01:19:33 PM



Wake up dead. Bruce Adams’ Flingco Sound System (FSS) the same jihadist-funded, kiddie-porn magnate, “inorganic” meat enthusiast conglomerate, which unleashed the shut-in, cross-dressing meta-Metal of Wrnlrd upon an unwitting populace, now dramatically improves the Brooklyn fashion accoutrement “Buddha Box” by stripping it of its verve, bro, and making it, like, bleak. The “Black Box” is tombstone shaped and outfitted with sixteen-feet-under transmissions from beyond the grave’s grave. Listen in awe as FSS proves artistic longevity exists only for scarring annoyances that linger as the near-death dog’s septic-tankean farts do. The aforementioned Wrnlrd, and two unheard of (at least to me) ensembles – Cristal and Haptic – round out the contributions, with a duo of dextromethorphan induced word-marbles rolled out to the horizon courtesy of most interesting person Annie Feldmeier Adams. I dig/dug it, but the wife lost her shit on Adams’ word pieces. See how it grabs ya.

Rottenchester’s Crucifist allegedly has photographic evidence of Profound Lore Records’ proprietor sniffing bull moose ass outside of Le Studio, which is ostensibly how they wrangled the confused, but wholly awesome gent into releasing Demon Haunted World. Totally straight-ahead Miller Genuine Draft Metal with Danny Lilker and a coupla meatheads I’ve never heard of. It’s tolerable in the way a backyard barbecue with the in-laws is if you’ve gotten a quickie in with the woman before the meat hits the flames and you’re able to sneak as many shots as you are beers. Just try not to call anyone a “cunt.” Not for fans of Krallice or “micro-zines.”

Way back in 2005, Portland’s L’Acephale released the Book of Lies 7” and I went screaming French phrases and comp lit jargon to everyone that would insult me from afar. Nearly five years later, the band has abandoned play-it-kaput Metal for trapped-in-a-coffee-house-nightmare-sonics replete with cross-chatter via struggling thespians and other ably biking, but overtly damaged artists. Malfeasance embraces high-brow industro babble, rum-ah-tum-tum martial goo-gah, Powerbook sampling on the fly, and shelves Panzer Division Marduk dabblin’ as sooooo 2003. For fans of Georg Lukacs, AdBusters, and Salò as a get-intha-mood fuckflick.

Slovakian Black Metal trio Warmarch lament the commercialization of their dear genre and pay homage to its ghost with nine impressive tunes. The band’s first full-length (cassette), Pactum Cum Diabolus, while better received when you’re not looking at the pictures of them in corpse paint, demonstrates a purpose and a palpable passion that I fail to find in the overwhelming lot of underwhelming haircut rock that still gets the ink. Analogues are effortless – early Funeral Mist, Katharsis – perhaps a few others in the orthodox crew. Anyone or any thing that maintains pace with this ilk is doing life’s work in mere months. “Any idiotic kid who has no idea what Black Metal is about can record some pathetic shit after school, add some computer drums to it, and post it on MySpace or what ever fucking shit and pretend to be a Black Metal star! And a whole lot of people actually believe that this shit is Black Metal!” writes incredulous Vocalist Kaltemtal. Well, duh! I’ll bet you my stack of old Cracked magazines fuckin’ Slovakian kids wear Nachtmystium tees.

Norge’s The Hat brings the same vibe as Warmarch, but instead of Swedes and Krauts, this is as Norwegian as stupid sweaters and smoked fish guts. These guys, like Warmarch, are again covered in panda makeup, and brandishing cutlery. Just fucking close the CD booklet. Pre-Gaahl Gorgoroth, early Burzum, snow, soap opera, and the staged photos of Peter Beste hang over The Demise of Mankind like the ghost of Mr. Chicken. This is the same triumphant, atmospheric, misanthropic music you’ve heard a billion times before, but lyrically is grounded in flesh, power, and the undercurrent of evil, which infinitely reaps what it has, and shall sow. For people who found Keep on the Borderlands to be the most entertaining D&D module.

Via Joe Regimental: A split by two Swedish one-man bands, Psykotisk and Vredgad. There’s little to choose between the two, and if I had to side with a winner it would have to be Vredgad. I don’t really like Vredgad’s music, but sometimes it sounds like it would appeal to people who found Descent Into the Depths of the Earth to be the most entertaining AD&D module. Something tells me Kaltemtal of Warmarch wouldn’t like these bands. They kinda sound like shut-in (Swedes) he talks about. You know, those who go home after school and record pathetic shit and post it to the Internet and a bunch of people start blogging about it and the next thing you know, it shows up in Brandon Stosuy’s Show No Mercy column. I’ll bet Stosuy’s favorite AD&D module is Castle Greyhawk, because it sounds like the name of a NYC homo bar he’d take Nachtmystium to in effort to show the boys he’s “a bro,” bro~.

[Stewart Voegtlin]

Comments (5)

  • 108 comments
    jniff
    12:16 PM on Aug 20, 2009 // reply »
    You crack me up, bro. I see that Crucifist covers an Angelwitch tune. Don't know if I should be excited and investigate or...

    A bit of a sidetrack, but I'm psyched cause I'm going to see Until the Light Takes Us tonight in Chapel Hill, of all places. I didn't know it was even going to be screened in my area, and was amazed yesterday when I saw Dead's mug on the front of the weekly Indy. Get a Pitchforker to plug it, and you're bound to run into some beards and dudes in Nachtmystium tees, bro.

    http://www.indyweek.com/gyrobase/Content?oid=oid%3A399699
  • 108 comments
    jniff
    12:21 PM on Aug 20, 2009 // reply »
    You crack me up, bro. I see that Crucifist covers an Angelwitch tune. Don't know if I should be excited and investigate or...

    A bit of a sidetrack, but I'm psyched cause I'm going to see Until the Light Takes Us tonight in Chapel Hill, of all places. I didn't know it was even going to be screened in my area, and was amazed yesterday when I saw Dead's mug on the front of the weekly Indy. Get a Pitchforker to plug it, and you're bound to run into some beards and dudes in Nachtmystium tees, bro.

    http://www.indyweek.com/gyrobase/Content?oid=oid%3A399699
  • 108 comments
    jniff
    12:23 PM on Aug 20, 2009 // reply »
    Sorry about the double post... not sure what happened.
  • 35 comments
    Miskatonic
    2:50 PM on Aug 20, 2009 // reply »
    I'd actually take that bet if you had spent your childhood collecting MAD instead of fuckin' Cracked!

    Liked the article. I can't help but shake my head when I see dudes in corpse paint. It's a major stumbling block to Immortal. In their case you can't simply close the liner notes.

    Check out this awesome cover: http://www.negative-existence.com/images/Maniac_Butcher_Barbarians_CD.jpg

    BS is a decent enough writer. I've discovered some good shit through him. Don't worry, I've discovered some good shit through you too (namely Funeral Mist). Is Malefic still in school?
  • 1 comment
    Joe
    9:08 AM on Aug 21, 2009 // reply »
    My favorite was the Temple Of Elemental Evil. I killed IUZ, God Of Pain but he just found another body, came back and had me swallowed by giant worms.
 

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