Maryland Dorkfest: A Recap
September 5 2011 at 10:40:38 PM  Let me tell you something just, uh, off the tip of my tougue here...I don't like music festivals. Fargin' dislike 'em. The glut of content and inevitable mediocrity always seems vaguely like someone saying, "I hear you like to eat M&M's...how'd you like to eat a whole wheel barrow full in one sitting?" If you want "comprehensive", or "in-depth" or "good" coverage look to some website with "Metal" in the title, instead of consulting a dude who's main concerns were getting free drinks and not having to sleep in his car (succeeded at the former and failed at the later). Despite my let's charitably say "tepid" interest in the whole affair, I couldn't refuse an old friend whose wife agreed to grant him a rare weekend's freedom from dad duty (no, sadly not Voegtlin. He never gets a day off). His enthusiasm for the fest and at not having to sneak bowl hits in the garage after bed time was buoyant, admirable and somewhat contagious...emblematic of one who'd never toured lower intestine USA opening shows for dipshit "extreme" Metal bands. Still the idea of 4 days of extremity was more than I could countenance, so we agreed to whittle it down to two and a half days with lots of buffer time hanging out, record shopping, swimming, shit-shooting, and drinking beer built in. FRIDAY: Meet up in Brooklyn on a scorcher of a morning. Him punctual, showered and easy going. Me criminally late, emotional cripple, hungover, stinky. Drive to Baltimore: unremarkable as such drives tend to be. We blast some Aura Noir and Dead Congregation (the main reasons I'm stoked at all on this clusterfuck), some John Cale, Petty and arrive Friday just before rush hour. Stop quickly at local dive to prime the pump and door guy sees my companion's old Dr Know shirt, reminisces that he saw them and fucking Nuclear Assault fucking probably twenty years ago and they were fuckin' awesome. what else to say but fuck yeah dude. Few dollar Boh's and here we go: FUNEBRARUM: Techy, baseball hatted, proficient Death Metal that didn't make much of an impression. I had just gotten there, sorry if this is your favorite band...I'm an asshole. You're right. fuck off. PULLING TEETH: Breakdown-heavy HC...the kids like em. Again not much to say. AURA NOIR: One of the few bands I was genuinely stoked to see and they didn't disappoint. Original member Appolyon, a guitarist I didn't recognize, and the drummer of Obliteration (Norwegian kid who did a good job). Appolyon righteous creep, maintained martial control of his bass stalking the stage teeth gnashing, lascivious flicks of tongue appropriately insouciant and disgusting. Aura Noir made it clear only Metal bands with high quality songs can play them with different lineups and still command a crowd...and thus in my estimation have earned a vaunted spot in the pantheon of current bands. MACHETAZO: Spanish Death Metal/Grind workmanlike but I can't remember much about them. CORROSION OF CONFORMITY: I didn't watch much of this band but what I did was good. yeah yeah fuck me. fuck you. CRIPPLE BASTARDS: These guys pretty much ruled and I'd heard as much from folks who had seen them before. Vicious shrieking Italian grind-core performed by veterans (in grind-core terms) with merciless efficiency. Exactly the way that music should be done: maximum intensity/genuine hostility/over quickly. Formidable. NEUROSIS: zzz. KYLESA: Kylesa used to make good records and better believe they played exactly nothing from their latest alt-rock wet fart of an LP at this show. They gave it their best and held their own but I know of few Metal-ish bands that ever recover from a fling with fickle mistress "indie acclaim". Also seeing Phil hitting floor toms during "tribal" sections these days is a bummer of Animal Collective proportions. EXHUMED: Was in a parking garage drinking someone else's beer and didn't watch them. MARDUK: For my money Mortuus was the best front man of the fest. Imposing, impeccable stage presence and power. The songs were whatever (I'm not up on current Marduk releases) and I was wasted and exhausted but he still made a strong impression. Secure a cat-infested couch for friend to sleep on and pass out in the trunk of my car. Wake up contorted, head a-throbbing to early morning sun, suffocating heat and suffocating crust-punk levels of BO inside car. Anyway onward....late lunch and record shopping yields heartburn, unexplainable broken capillaries in my friend's eye, Destruction's Mad Butcher EP, Depeche Mode's Music for the Masses LP, and chance run-in with friends headed for swimming holes north of the city. We follow and are treated to six pack and bone chilling dip in a shallow river. I'm feeling right as the mail at this point, but as aforementioned my traveling companion is a family man and I wanted to ensure he return home with no nostalgia whatsoever for his time prior to soccer practice and juice boxes. So after shoving a dozen plus beers in his face the night before, I take his grumbling discombobulation, wincing at the sun and general sloth as welcome measures of success. Day Two... VOIVOD: with only OG drummer and singer they still managed to please the crowd plenty. I like Voivod just fine but I didn't necessarily need to see slower, drunker Snake humping his way through their back catalog. Not nearly as bad as the current bummer version of Exodus I saw a couple years ago, but still not exactly inspired. I can only imagine what older dudes in the crowd who saw them in their prime must have thought. Then again who the hell knows...at least Jason Newstead wasn't there. ACID WITCH: Total hacks. My attorney and I left disgusted after one song and found a house party to drink at until sunrise. Ugh. Day three. Are we still really in fucking Baltimore? VISCERAL DISGORGE: no idea. couldn't remember if I tried. OAK: see Neurosis. NIGHTBRINGER: I like Death and The Black work really I do I think it's a kick ass LP, but a lot of Black Metal bands should take a page from the Dark Throne play book. No one wants to see the dungeon master/piercing salon employee drinking bottled water during sound check. it "detracts" from the "mystique". Not much stage presence and a drummer who was sucking wind leaves this one in the "no" pile. GRAVEHILL: More passable Thrash/Death Metal. Boring. Am I boring you yet? DEAD CONGREGATION: Fucking finally. Regal Death Metal from the bankrupt birthplace of western culture. DC deliver the goods live like few others. Just as heavy and agile as their recording suggests, singer/guitarist A.V.'s palpable arrogance and thousand yard stare reached even those in the cheap seats. When the band all converge and blast full speed it sounds like someone opened the door in a fucking airplane. They played most of Graves of the Archangels including the long sustained blast at the end which stops on a dime. Fucking flawless. [Hutch Bannister]
type: reviews
keywords:
death metal,
boredom,
brooklyn,
funebrarum,
king diamond,
jason newstead,
dead congregation,
music festivals,
clusterfuck,
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