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Iron Maiden - The Final Frontier

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 August 16 2010 at 02:51:57 AM



The Final Frontier is horrid. Goddamn horrid. I've been listening to Maiden for 30 years, and I know a good or bad Maiden album when I hear it. And based on the listens I had, my initial reaction is to rank it alongside the utterly dismal Seventh Son of a Seventh Son. Let’s agree to not call this reinvention, since Maiden’s been comfortable with autopilot generic rock since Somewhere in Time. This is rather a reassertion of just how broken and uninspired the band continues to sound 11 years after Bruce Dickinson and Adrian Smith returned to the fold. Clocking in at 76 minutes, this is pure gluttonous force-feed. But it ain't a case like Boris where the Rising Sun Three used the 79-minute running time of a CD as an excuse to egotistically unload whatever soporifically sub par material they can. The only apologia offered: They want to “give their fans as much as possible.” The fans here receive nothing, however, as The Final Frontier’s ten songs deflate almost instantaneously (save for throwback tune, “The Alchemist”). Yes, the prospect of further listens is something I’d want to do if I actually enjoyed the sensation of cramming a Sharpie down my pee hole.

Now that we’ve got the “quality” issue out of the way, let’s delve into watching-paint-dry production minutiae like sequencing. After the embarrassingly off-putting intro “Satellite 15,” which is the most incongruous piece of music Maiden has ever put on record, the first few songs settle into a stool-softening 70s hard schlock groove. Surprisingly, the now toothless Adrian Smith is behind these “catchy riffs.” He and Steve Harris unapologetically admit exploration of UFO and Thin Lizzy influences. But this sounds like a “hip” Bar Mitzvah band juiced on Mogen David, limping through its disconnected idea of “Heavy.”

“The Final Frontier,” as you probably know by now, is yet another in a series of status-quo generic tunes, a predictably impotent way to kick off the album, and “El Dorado” is another terminal yawner that’s already turned into another reason to go get another beer when played live. “Mother of Mercy” lays Dickinson’s pop-sorcery shtick on thick, and comes apart at the seams by the time its hyperbolically catchy chorus leads another assisted-living cheer. “Coming Home” brings the album’s glacial “progress” to exemplify the preternaturally hamstrung idea of “slow.” While neither ballad, nor wistful look back at the Flight 666 tour, Dickinson’s handicapped lyrics seem to recall his view from the cockpit of the big plane in the most hackneyed way.

After the Piece of Mind-inspired “The Alchemist” (the only listenable bit of music on the record [cf. “Sun & Steel”]), things really get depressing. Songs get longer, more labyrinthine, a little more, uh, experimental. “Isle of Avalon” is something culled from Rick Wakeman’s God-bothering solo work, highlighted by an overly theatrical crescendo, dissonant guitars that sound misplaced, a generic break led by Harris, and the thinnest guitar solos this side of Arcade Fire. “Starblind” revisits the deplorable (and favorite Maiden record of several notable penbangers) Somewhere in Time, led into the ground by another performance of self-parody by Dickinson. “The Talisman” is Maiden at its worst; the song pushes all the buttons that dyed-in-the-wool fans have sadly grown accustomed to: Slow build, tempo change, poppy chorus. In short: Formulaic and utterly exhausted.

You can tell “The Man Who Would Be King” came from Dave Murray’s ennui; even my cat can call out those phoned-in melodies of his from a mile away. The biggest surprise is saved for last, as “When the Wild Wind Blows” is another mastodonic Steve Harris epic, but not in the vein of Maiden’s last great hurrah, “Rime of the Ancient Mariner.” Over the years Harris's solo songwriting has unmistakably deteriorated. The fact is he’s predictable; you always know what’s coming next; he's been using the same template since the odious “Alexander the Great.” So “Where the Wild Wind Blows” comes across as a bit of a shock: Harris bucks the trend completely with a wholly disposable song that’s more understated than grandiose. It’s built around a simply forgetful melody, but while it does build up here and there, it never bursts into those gallops we expect, instead keeping the same incessantly dreary pace. Dickinson follows suit, too, of course, and closes the coffin lid on an album I thought would never expire.

I thought, hmm, maybe I’ll try to work through this record again as part of some masochistic endurance test, but, naw, it ain’t gonna fuckin’ happen. Souring me even more was Maiden going the Greg Ander$on, Inc. route with this one: Aside from a couple of listening sessions, that’s it as far as advance music goes. There won’t be any promo copies serviced in an effort to protect their product. I guess they didn’t expect this album to leak at all, as the security is allegedly that tight. But at the very least I can say a little over a month from now, the wait will have been sadly pointless. Anyone who was there from the beginning knows there are truly only five great Iron Maiden records: The first five. The Naysayer? The type predisposed to finding diamonds in dog shit.

[Stewart Voegtlin]


Iron Maiden
The Final Frontier
2010
EMI

Comments (13)

  • 108 comments
    jniff
    7:55 AM on Aug 16, 2010 // reply »
    Somewhere in Time and Seventh Son = shit? What's in your kool-aid? Seventh Son is my fave album of the lot.
  • 2 comments
    glenn mcdonald
    8:15 AM on Aug 16, 2010 // reply »
    Anyone who was there from the beginning knows there are truly only five great Stewart Voegtlin reviews: The first five. The Naysayer? The type predisposed to finding diamonds in dog shit.

    Does that sound any smarter when it's about you?
  • 30 comments
    David
    9:10 AM on Aug 16, 2010 // reply »
    I have to admit, I got pretty excited hearing those guys talk up their old Lizzy/UFO influences for this album.

    However, as I realized while watching Micheal Shenkar perform last weekend with an equal mix of disappointment and 'wow', those days are gone and just ain't coming back. Phil Lynott couldn't survive the 80's, Murray retired his 'Kossoff strat' long ago, Shenkar's now an AA bar band guitarist, and the next Maiden album is probably gonna suck.

    That said, I'll still give it a listen, and go to their shows.
  • 2 comments
    glenn mcdonald
    10:29 AM on Aug 16, 2010 // reply »
    The Thin Lizzy/UFO thing is a good stylistic comparison point. It would make fine sense to call this a hard rock album, not a metal album. The other record it reminded me of was Uriah Heep's Wake the Sleeper, from a couple years ago, which I also really liked. I have no problem with IM not still sounding like they did on Killers, and I think this review reads like Stewart was listening to *himself* while writing it. Not that it isn't entertaining listening to Stewart, mind you. But I'd think he'd be up for some outside noise by now, himself.
  • 2 comments
    astral zombie
    11:05 AM on Aug 17, 2010 // reply »
    Every review reads like he's listening to himself.

    Stewart's been in to Iron Maiden from the beginning and I'm Phyllis Diller...your posing would be painful if a it wasn't so phony and laughable.

    Bravo for another very entertaining eye roll though, your comedy is priceless!
  • 1 comment
    Steph
    11:20 AM on Aug 19, 2010 // reply »
    Lost me at 'utterly dismal Seventh Son of a Seventh Son.'
  • 19 comments
    Doomstoned
    4:18 PM on Aug 19, 2010 // reply »
    Bro-dude.. I mean, dude-bro, wow. Such unsuspecting denouncement of the ultimate magnum opus, "Seventh Son.."? The absolute towering apex of the Maidenhead dipped and steeped in fecal "stew" right here in black and white!!

    You are a true contrarian, bro-dude-mnnnn. I bet you can't even get down with that "Running Silent, Running Deep" shit on "No Prayer..", you god damn bastard! HOOKS IN YOU!!! God damn it.

    Shove your D'Ana (whatever) worship down the toilet with my '84 November Hustler and '88 October BMX Plus that I perused incessantly while listening to 7th Son. There's only Bruce-Bruce, no other and no other Maiden for that matter. Maybe you're just Futureal...

    In a time when dinosaurs walked the earth, bro? Dude. No storm or heavy weather will rock my opinion you'll see. Rememeber, you're the one who opened a giant can of worms dragging Maiden into the polite conversation. You did it. Can you play with madness?
  • 47 comments
    Helm
    4:34 PM on Aug 19, 2010 // reply »
    I don't mind the provocative statement about Seventh Son of the Seventh Son (a flawed record but one of my favorite from Iron Maiden "The Prophecy" and "Can I play with Madness" notwithstanding), I mind that it's not substantiated or qualified in any other way than 'the first five rock and anyone who says otherwise...'. I enjoy reading what you have to say about records you understand and feel close to, for the exposition and the risk you have to take to write about them. I don't however find much in something like this which is, besides ridden with flame-baiting (I realize you do this on purpose and I've come to deal), mainly a piece of 'tastemaker prose'. Your tastes on Iron Maiden albums are not very interesting in themselves. I have my own tastes too, most readers here have an opinion on Iron Maiden anyway. It's what shaped the tastes that's interested.
  • 1 comment
    Whatever
    4:05 PM on Aug 25, 2010 // reply »
    This is all I've come here to say.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8iY1ITW0So#t=0m58s

    ... And:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VN04vtNcrek#t=0m36s

    ... Oh, and The Wickerman:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8iY1ITW0So#t=5m0s
  • 5 comments
    Autonocuous
    9:22 AM on Aug 26, 2010 // reply »
    Stewart has been listening to Maiden for 30 years? Somehow I doubt that. Your immature pretentiousness gives that away instantly. If you are that age then you need to put down the thesaurus, take a step back, and look your life: you bitch about metal albums that everyone else enjoys. Thats what you are known for. You need some positivity dude...or some pussy
  • 6 comments
    Robert
    12:15 PM on Aug 26, 2010 // reply »
    This record is boring. Very very boring. You can dress that up any way you want, but the fact remains. I had hopes, they were dashed.
  • 374 comments
    VOEGTLIN
    12:25 PM on Aug 31, 2010 // reply »
    jniff: Everclear is always in my Kool-Aid. Always.

    Glenn: You know how to hurt me, hon.

    David: I gave it a listen, and if they're playing this schlock live I won't be going.

    Glenn: Back again! "Listening to myself?" Hmm. I listened to the record while reviewing it, but don't recall listening to myself while listening to the record while reviewing it. Maybe you've watched THE MATRIX too many times?

    Astral Zombie: Hi there, hon.

    Steph: Maiden lost me at the utterly dismal SOMEWHERE IN TIME.

    D'Stone: My man...

    Helm: We've discussed these things in private, naturally.

    Whatever: I love YouTube links! Love 'em.

    Autotrocious: Pushing 40. Been listening to Maiden for 30 years (which means I started listening to Maiden when I was TEN). So, I'm immature for my age. Doc says that's good for my sexual stamina.

    Robert: Let's meet at The Grit. You're buying.
  • 40 comments
    The Right Hand Path
    6:43 AM on Sep 08, 2010 // reply »
    Iron Maiden's this new album isn't that horrid \M/
 

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