Film Review: Vampyr
August 19 2008 at 05:25:50 AM
Zee country dohctear's iz on zze roose. Maaaaaster! Maaaaaaster!
South of
Salem's Lot und north uf
Nosferatu rests V
ampyr: Der Traum des Allan Grey, vich ostensibly ist Greek fur shortish film bereft uf plot und puss; big on zee fey dunderheads zhat bear more zan passing resemblance zo ol' Herr Rainer Maria, und uh bevy uf zee smoke und mirrors light/shadow aktion. Zare ist none of zee blut retting zhat one vould imagine; zis ist sinema uh symbol und sign. Blanc et noir no different zan Wignola's Zee Vampire cribbed from Herr Kipling. Theo Dreyer, hovewer, ambles fast into zee distance; metaphysical is zee ambience! Zee raison! Not unlike zeese thin glasses Tokay in front of zee fire in my native Zofingen. Raclette?
Somezhing, ja, should be said uf illness, uf evil, und anemia. Somezhing, ja, should be said of "morzal sin" und Carmilla. Think not uf Hamilzon; his melba-zoasted epidermis vamping 'bout zee see-tee een
Love at First Bite. Think not uf Lugosi und Cushing und Kinski. Banish zhoughts uf
Blacula. Run from
Rabid. Und fear, yes,
Zhe Fearless Vampire Killers. Stay fast from
Shadow of Zee Vampire. It vas said, by many of vide repute zhat Defoe smelt of Cisco on location. Lauren Hutton, Delphine Seyrig, Madeline Smith: zee original, uh, Spice Girls. Had Dreyer injected dum-dum duo Abbott und Costello into zis crepuscular brain freeze of yawning und varbled frame, vee vould have had something as Bleu as Varhol's
Blood fur Dracula. Bait und switch, kiddo. Zere's none blut to speak of. Zhere's more blut in my bovel movement. Amongst frequent und frenzied calls for zee blut vee gaze into see TeeVee; zares nothing but nothing. Penumbral blah. A vharf of idea… desiccated, ripe for zee rot. Again, Raclette? Uh, Gott, remember Jack Palance in zee role? Hay-zoos Franco at the helm?
Helsing und
Van Helsing und
Helsing zee Ultimate?
Black Sunday und
Black Sabbath und
Blood und Roses? Vaht about all zee LESBIAN vampire movies? Ja, um, Ja!
A mule team carted Dreyer's camera around. He drank and fought and pulled hair from his head. Julian Vest vas told to slick his hair back. Shiny, tight, black. Ja, zats eet. Rena and Jan and Maurice took turns at who could ogle zee most obscene hand gesture from light and shadow. Jan von vith his svollen, dancing testicles. Consult
Deliver zee Devil: A Memoir for more on that… Chopin, who ist zee Vampyr, ist invigorating no? Nein. See Helen Mirren for een-vig-orating GILF. "My revenge has just begun! I spread it over zee centuries und time is on my side…" In zee end, ahf course, eets die kunst ist lang, und Dreyer reaped zee nil benefit of staying troo to his lens; he would make only four more films. Raclette?
[Stewart Voegtlin]
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