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Baroness - The Blue Album

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 October 9 2009 at 02:33:57 PM



Anyway you want it. That’s the way you need it. Baroness’ Blue Record ably embodies all the window-dressing self-delusion of the average McChurchgoer. The Bermuda shorts and flip-flop lot who call what they do for a Sabbath’s hour, “church,” even if there are no Bibles or hymnals or enlightening scripture studies, are no different than these four mopes mining the milquetoast wells of 80s “rock” and notions tangential and wholly bogus of what-it-is-to-be Metal. Doing something without really doing it is an act harnessed and executed by a millennia of shysters – from politico to ethno-religio hacks. That we can add Metal amongst the offenders is no bold-header shocker.

Getting the goods without getting dirty being practically fucking axiomatic for the Internet Age, bands such as Baroness and Torche and Mastodon were fucking bound to be. This lot is deftly cultivated by the same sods who claim to abhor the “hip,” the “trendy,” the “Now,” all while being “unwillingly” ensnared in its fashionable undertow. True, Baroness frontman John Baizley is no stranger to fashion; fucker’s made a modest living cribbing Raphael via Roger Dean in a wave of watercolor. Hashing out overly-hashed out tattoo parlor “manner” for playbills isn’t a crime, but it is indicative of Baizley’s inability to craft a clear aesthetic statement, and who woulda thunk paintings of bloated heshe surrounded by flowers or fish would rouse so much dunderheaded praise? Not this negro. 

Baizley makes music the same way he makes art. But he’s smart enough to shut the fuck up in interviews and offer responses to questions concerning influence that aren’t answers at all. Claiming Baroness’ music is influenced by “fine art, cinema, and literature” means everything and nothing – never a “good” thing. And, indeed, Baroness’ songs aren’t good. But while they aren’t as overwrought and self-important as anything Mastodon has ever jacked onto tape, they are as pleasantly uninteresting as the people who praise them. Filtering Swervedriver’s (minute) pop sensibility through the faux emotive “bombast” of Big Country is no good way to write a song, but it passes in spades for nu-prog, or prog-metal, or whatever Decibel will call it this month. Truth be known, when you’ve got the gonads to include a horrendous instrumental on your record – “Blackpowder Orchard” – which has no problem doubling as a Ford truck jingle, you’re not nu-prog or prog-metal, or whatever Decibel will call it this month. You just suck. 

[Stewart Voegtlin]

Baroness
Blue Record
Relapse
2009

Comments (8)

  • 23 comments
    trummer
    2:44 PM on Oct 10, 2009 // reply »
    i knew i could count on you. its good to have constants in life.

    thanks.
  • 108 comments
    jniff
    11:46 AM on Oct 12, 2009 // reply »
    I can honestly say that I'd luckily managed to avoid listening to anything by the B-ness before reading this review. I had an idea of what to expect, but curiosity (as to how much they could suck) got the better of me, and I checked out their myspace page. It was one of those moments where you know you shouldn't do something, but you do anyway. That said, I can't agree more w/ your last sentence. Good thing I had the new Grave Miasma on hand to cleanse my palate after that painful experience.

    What I want to know is this... If (as discussed in your last M-dong review) listening to M-dong is like drinking Bud Light Lime, then listening to B-ness is like drinking ___.
  • 374 comments
    VOEGTLIN
    11:51 AM on Oct 12, 2009 // reply »
    Hey, Jeff... Um, I would say MGD 64 'cause it's a non-beer pretending it's a beer, which is consumed by people who act like they're drinking beer that's not beer.
  • 108 comments
    jniff
    12:00 PM on Oct 12, 2009 // reply »
    Heh! I learn so much from this wonderful site. Case in point, I hadn't heard of MGD 64. As an excuse not to do work I should be doing - and to see if there was an even better analogy - I did some googling and discovered Bud Select 55. This beats MGD by 9 cals. If we're talking pointless pretenders, there's also always O'Douls...

  • 67 comments
    chauncey chomperz
    7:49 AM on Oct 13, 2009 // reply »
    I've entered you in this contest. thank me later.

    http://www.metalsucks.net/2009/10/12/win-a-pair-of-mastodon-vans-shoes/
  • 1 comment
    baxbaxwalanuksiwe
    11:39 AM on Oct 13, 2009 // reply »
    Dude I love your site because you like totally don't follow fashion. How do you stay so ahead of the curve?
  • 36 comments
    TD
    9:33 PM on Oct 13, 2009 // reply »
    You queens stop bitching and buy the Chasm album yet?
  • 30 comments
    David
    9:53 AM on Oct 14, 2009 // reply »
    Great call on the Rafael via Roger Dean comparison. I always thought the Red Album sounded like a variation on Fugazi's Repeater which, to me, is generally a good thing. Baroness only gets called Metal cause times are weird and dudes with metal blogs review their albums.
 

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