Armour - Sonichouse Tape
June 3 2009 at 08:15:45 PM
Fin rockers Armour are destined for American airport detainment after waltzing through security checkpoints with foil-wrapped English cukes nestled firmly ‘tween their leather pantaloons.
Spinal Tap tapped, ‘80s Hair Metal shtick stuck, crotch-high platters of Quiet Riot, Accept, Dokken, Anvil, Savatage, Poison, W.A.S.P., et alia played, re-played, assimilated and tossed aside with nowhere to go ‘cept back to the future. Homage Rock. Roots ‘n’ Roll. Something like that. Folks still mining photos for tongues buried firmly in cheek are wasting their time. Ditto for anyone that wants to drag politics or associations with other “darker” bands into the discussion. No fuckin’ fruit cup for you.
Vocalist Vince Venom relishes the distinction of sounding simultaneously like Kevin DuBrow, Blackie Lawless, and Udo Dirkschneider. Mike Slutz’ riffs rarely surpass not so subtle reworkings of ‘80s anthems. And Jake Spring is perhaps too willing to clock the cowbell. But it all works, a fabulous, garish mess of eyeliner and leather, dancing stage-side sluts rubber bound and weak-kneed, chosen for their ability to recite perfectly Poison’s “Every Rose…”
Armour stays entrenched within the appropriate zeitgeist, transliterating Spinal Tap’s “Smell the Glove” with “Lick the Blade,” a chivalrous tale of fellatio and insatiability. There are songs about speeding and drinking and medieval weaponry, too, but I’m partial to the ballad. “Love Crime” has gotta be every rocker’s buzzkill. But it’s my favorite gawdamn tune on the record. Another Accept/Poison mash-up, complete with tone-deaf “pillow-talk.” I bet you a six of shit cans you won’t be able to shake the chorus out of your hair for a week. “I need YOU – to GIVE ALL YOU GOT / One first kiss / LUH-HUH-HUV-VVE CRIME!” Hey, even Joe “Sugar” Elliot knew it was better to burn out than fade away.
[Stewart Voegtlin]
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